HOW TO BREAK UP WITH A WOMAN
By Kimberly Dawn Neumann

Breakups suck. There’s no other way to put it. But keep in mind that what happens in the moments before, during and after you deliver those three little words (“This isn’t working”) will forever determine how you’re remembered. Will you be that great guy she remembers wistfully… or the jerk she can’t believe she ever dated?

Unless there has been some egregious violation of the dating code — she did something so unforgivable you get a free pass to behave like an idiot — most women would ask for one thing: End it like a man, not a frat boy. “Dumping someone is never fun but if you’re clear about why your relationship has to end and you know that it’s time, you owe it to the woman to make the break,” says dating guru David Wygant, founder of www.flirtdaily.com. “Just be kind, honest within reason, and brief.”

With that in mind, we decided to gather input from women and experts about the best way to let a gal go.

Don’t do a disappearing act. Sadly this is an all too common tactic with men, but listen up… it’s just not cool. “My friends and I agree there’s nothing worse than fading away into oblivion!” says Stacey, 29, from Pensacola, FL. “Then the girl is left just wondering and waiting.” Women need some sort of closure, and you owe her some kind of explanation before you decide to vanish.

Do consider the timing. Though it’s not totally your responsibility to see how she survives the breakup, you can help ease the transition by considering when you break the news. “It’s thoughtful and courteous to be aware of what is going on in her life,” says JoAnn Magdoff, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in New York City, NY. In other words, don’t be an extra-special jerk by delivering the news when she’s already going through a rough patch. If she lost her job yesterday, give it a little time before having the big talk.

Don’t rely on technology. We live in a world of cell phones, Blackberries, and IMs, which means it’s easier than ever to get in touch with each other. But, please don’t use it as a way to escape confrontation. “Using technology to break up is a cowardly act—it means you don’t have the balls to face me,” says Kerry, 37, from Portsmouth, NH. “If you liked me enough to kiss me, sleep with me, have a romance with me, then I think the very least you can do is honor that connection by ending it in person.”

Do give her face time. You may be tempted to deliver the news and then get the heck out of there, but there’s nothing worse than bringing up the subject when you don’t have adequate time to discuss it. Yes, that means you will have to talk to her and you might have to witness some tears, but it’s the right thing to do. “My ex broke up with me by meeting me for a drink, and we had a very open and civilized conversation,” says Gigi, 39, from New York, NY. “Yes, it still hurt, but because of the classy way he handled it, we didn’t lose our friendship, too.”

Do choose your location wisely. There’s no reason to break the news behind closed doors—but a bit of privacy is a good thing. What you shouldn’t do is deliver the news someplace where she’ll lose dignity. “If you’re at a party surrounded by friends where everyone will see her if she bursts into tears, that’s not a good call,” says Wygant. “This is between the two of you, not your whole posse.” Wygant also suggests staying away from your favorite haunt or where you had your first date or anywhere that will evoke painful memories. Think neutral, think semi-private, and let her save face.

Don’t be too honest. Women need “reasons” so they can accept the breakup and move on. But there’s one big caveat… don’t be spiteful or hurtful. “Getting broken up with is insulting at some level and just being rejected feels bad enough. So why make the person feel worse?” says Laurie Puhn, J.D., author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life. No woman wants to hear that you’re dumping her because she has bad breath or she’s no longer attractive to you or you’re insanely attracted to her best friend. These kinds of reflections shouldn’t be shared: “You’re no longer entitled to give advice or criticism because you aren’t her boyfriend anymore,” says Puhn. Instead, your reasons for breaking up should focus on how you two aren’t the right match. Try saying something like “Both of us are good people, but I don’t think we’re the right fit together.”

Don’t hedge. You start to deliver the news, you see her lip quiver, and you think, Oh no, she’s going to cry. Should you attempt to soften the blow by saying “Well, there might be a chance for us in the future but right now the timing isn’t good” or “Maybe when things quiet down at work” or “I think I just need a break”? No, no, no! Giving a woman a false sense of hope will not help her heal. “If you know it’s over, spare her the agony of pretending that you might call her sometime when you won’t,” says Dr. Magdoff. “If you really aren’t certain about the future, you can say ‘I’m not sure, but please don’t hold your breath…’”

Don’t freak if she gets emotional. We’re reputed to be the more sensitive sex, remember? So yes, there’s a chance that your gal might start sobbing or screaming or otherwise emoting (and you need to let her). “If she gets hostile or weepy, stay calm and let her get angry or hysterical for a little while; remember, you’ve been thinking about the breakup for weeks, she heard about it 10 seconds ago,” says Puhn. If she gets more and more worked up as the minutes pass, however, take your leave and give her some down time to adjust to the new information. “Before walking away, however, set a specific time to talk later to give her security that you’re willing to explain yourself and listen to what she has to say when she’s calmed down,” Puhn adds.

Don’t use the “It’s not you, it’s me” line. Everyone knows if someone leaves you it’s because you’re not who they want and that’s the bottom line. “Anyone on the receiving end of this line can see through it,” says Magdoff. She suggests a better phrase to utter might be, “Who you are and what you want are absolutely terrific, but where I am right now is a very different place.”

Do break up with her before starting anything else! That’s called cheating! And if you intentionally stray in an effort to make her break up with you, you’re a chicken and deserve whatever reaction you get! Also, forget about using the “I’ve met someone else” escape clause. Introducing a new love into a breakup discussion only tortures your soon-to-be ex. “After three years together, my boyfriend ended it with me over the phone by saying he’d met another woman on his trip to Europe,” says Jenny, 30, from Seattle, WA. “I spent the next two years wondering, What’s it like for them? Is it different from when he and I were together? Do they order the same kind of takeout? Do they listen to the same music we listened to? Do they laugh as much? Do they laugh more? And what makes her so much more appealing than me?” Get the point? Mentioning another woman really hurts and intensifies the pain.

Do keep in touch, but only on special occasions. Calling just to check up on her in a week or a month is not really helpful. It just confuses things and catapults you back into the forefront of her mind. There is one exception here though… the special occasion. “If it’s her birthday or a holiday and you were very close, then it is sweet to call to wish her well,” says Puhn. However, don’t call to make plans, don’t call to discuss sensitive issues and don’t talk for longer than 10 minutes. “Be acquaintances and keep in mind that acquaintances rarely talk more than twice a year,” says Puhn.

Don’t engage in break-up sex. We know… it’s comfortable, she’s vulnerable, and you think one more time won’t hurt anything. Wrong. When you get intimate she’ll be reminded of the amazing physical connection you two had, and suddenly you’re right back in it. Do you really want to go through another breakup? Ex sex doesn’t end things…it just drags it out.

Do reassure her. One final point—let her know that she mattered. Puhn suggests saying something like “I enjoyed being with you, and I value the time we spent together, but we just aren’t right for the long run.” She needs to know that you didn’t consider her ‘a waste of time’ or unimportant. That will help her risk giving her heart to someone else in the future.

HOW TO BREAK UP WITH A GUY
By Dan Bova

Let’s face it, there are no easy ways to end a relationship. But if you understand what really makes men tick, there are ways to make it a little less horrible. Here are some insider tips from the mouths of the broken-hearted — and some love gurus — on how to let a guy down easy. Use them next time you need a send a fella packin’.

Be definitive.
When telling a guy that it is over, be clear that it is absolutely, positively O-V-E-R. “Sometimes we may be inclined to leave the door open — either to leave options open for ourselves or to soften the blow of the breakup for the other person — but this is dangerous territory,” says April Masini, author of Date Out of Your League. It might seem nice to offer the possibility that one day in the future, you two will find your way back into each other’s arms, but all this does is give the poor sap false hope. And with false hope come drunken calls at 3 a.m. asking if you’re ready to take him back yet. “Make it clear that he needs to move on,” says John Seeley, M.A., author of Get Unstuck! The Simple Guide to Restart Your Life. “Guys would rather hear the truth and then know what they need to do to move forward in their lives.”

Don’t let him be the last to know.
Sure, talking through your feelings with a friend can be helpful when working up the courage to break things off, but try to limit yourself to how many people hear the test-run of your dumping speech. Eventually, some one is going to blab, and as any guy will tell you, being the last to know that you’ve been dumped is not fun. “My best friend told me that he heard my girlfriend was thinking of breaking up with me,” says Dave, 32, from Long Island, NY. “I later found out that all of my friends knew before I did. I was so pissed off and humiliated. I felt like the biggest fool on earth, walking around telling every one how in love I was, and all of them knowing she was about to can me. It was the worst.”

Don’t use a keyboard.
The Internet is great for many things: Locating discount airfares, paying credit card bills, wasting hundreds of hours looking at weird sites; the list goes on and on. But one thing that is not on that list and never should be is dropping a boyfriend like a bad habit. “My ex dumped me twice online,” says Chris, 31, from Washington, MO. “Once by email after we’d spent the weekend together; the second time over IM. At least ‘woman up’ and tell me in person!” Seriously, canceling a relationship like a credit card will put you in his Worst Girlfriend Hall of Fame for life. “Answering machine, emails, Post-its and faxes are not cool ways to break up,” says April Masini. “If you’ve spent more than three dates with the person — or if you’ve slept together — you owe him a face-to-face sit-down.” If you’re a total coward, the phone can be an acceptable termination device—but only for short-term relationships.

Steer clear of fake excuses.
OK, you don’t have to tell someone point-blank that he is boring, weird, smelly or all of the above, but lying your way out of a relationship is almost always going to backfire. He’ll feel twice as bad when he learns the truth, and you’ll feel like an idiot. “I went out a few times with this chick, and we talked a few times afterward,” says John, 34, from Virginia. “She worked as a government contractor at a submarine base and told me she’d been accepted to a top-secret program in Arizona that would last at least six months. Long story short: She was lying, and I bumped into her a month later. And this was after we had a conversation about how lame it was when people couldn’t be honest!” If you want either one of you to maintain your dignity, tell him the truth. You don’t have to be brutally honest, though. “I just don’t feel a connection with you” is a perfectly good way of saying, “You are too ugly” or “I didn’t know someone could kiss that badly.”

Be brief.
“Keep it short and sweet,” says Stephany Alexander, relationship expert at womansavers.com. Unless you’ve been together for years and years, no breakup should last more than 30 minutes. You don’t need to give him every reason you want to end things: Just name one or two major problems, and be done with it. The last thing you want is having him interpret your litany of ways he’s a loser as things he can change to win you back. Make it clear that this isn’t a negotiation. It may seem cruel to be brusque, but like ripping off a Band-Aid, the faster you do it, the faster you’ll feel better.

Avoid the drama.
A guy with wounded pride and hurt feelings can get verbally abusive. Try to diffuse the situation with silence. “Don’t engage with him,” says April Masini. “Listen. Be quiet. Don’t respond.” Don’t fuel the fire by defending yourself. Let him get it all out, then leave. If you’re worried that the guy might hurt himself or someone else in the wake of your breakup, call a counselor or a police officer. Trying to take on a dangerous situation by yourself is just that—dangerous.

Secure a break-up buddy.
“Breaking up can be overwhelming,” says April Masini, “and it may cause you to want to call your ex for contact or comfort. After you break up, have plans to meet with a friend. Debrief over lunch and a movie.” Remove his number from your cell phone while you’re at it. Post-break-up conversations tend to lead to post-break-up sex, and next thing you know, you’re having brunch together and wondering how the heck you wound up with this guy again. If you want to touch base to see how he’s doing, give it a couple of months at least. If he’s still sweet on you, any contact (no matter how innocent) is going to be interpreted as a ray of hope that love will spring again.